Today I am Going to Fly

Some men are born posthumously. ~Nietzsche

Going Back

Posted by penuruloki on July 23, 2008

I’m generally a big believer in the idea that “You can never go back,” but I finally pulled the trigger on my option to go back to the prison. Lack of funds for bills, limited local job prospects, and limited transportation options combined to make it a natural move, and the immediacies of the details (apparently I was still on the payroll; I didn’t even have to reapply) became something of an omen. I’m a big believer in omens.

The process of going back has brought mixed feelings. I’m still comfortable working there, and the people there certainly seem happy to see me back, but I can’t say I was ever more than satisfied with my job there, and my immediate feelings upon returning are identical to when I left. I left on good terms, and I wasn’t unhappy per se, but working there had worn thin before, and it’s starting out a little thin this time.

But that’s not the real sense of going back. This isn’t August 2007 when I left, it’s actually back to June 2003. As I was getting ready for work yesterday, I began to rethink my path since I came to Morris, and became somewhat nostalgic for the simple, cramped apartment I had when I first came. I don’t think my bills there were any smaller (since I can split my current bills with a roommate), but I was pining for the simplicity of the time none the less.

The time period that preceeded my arrival in Morris is a mirror of the current one. After working a comfortable (if not exactly fulfilling and motivating) job at MTS, I was laid off in November 2001. I returned to school briefly in the Spring of 2002, and then ran an unpleasant and unsuccessful job search. Giving up in 2003, following my Dad’s (and at the time roommate of sorts) layoff in April and my parents’ subsequent decision to retire, I spent the early summer of 2003 in a rapid remodeling project to prepare to sell my house. After the sale, I moved to Morris and went back to school.

Those watching may notice vague parallels in the story at this point (although I left PCF willing to return to school this time). At this point, I’ve just ended the failed job search after the brief return to school. That puts me into the period of determined effort to rebuild my finances before I launch myself on a new adventure. What lies in store, I don’t know. But for now I find myself balancing the awkwardness of the return with the comfort of knowing why I’m there, and trying to sort out what the new adventure is supposed to be when the time comes.


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